"My grief is not content."

true and yet...

My mom died 20 days ago. I am still trying to come to terms with it. Her death was not unexpected in the ways that so many of us lose loved ones. I was prepared for the dying part and the immediate aftermath. Hospice prepared us well, and I knew exactly what to expect. I had many conversations with my mother. We said all the things, or at least all the things we could think of to say. The most important of which were, “I love you, you did a good job, I forgive you.”

And yet, 5:00 am on June 3 came like a sledgehammer. I went into autopilot. Like I said, I was well-prepared. Call the relatives, cancel all scheduled appointments for the week, connect with the funeral home, start making memorial service plans. For these last few weeks I have been moving through the world without feeling attached to it at all. I disconnected.

Though I have benefited and am grateful for other caregivers who have shared their grief on social media, I was afraid to. I didn’t want to try to process this life-altering event in front of you. I wanted to hold it close, experience it fully and privately, to let myself finally let go of my mom, the woman who I have clung to and had clung to me for so very long.

But here’s the thing…I am stuck. I am stuck in the numbness of the autopilot, even though I am out of “things to do” for my mother. There are no more appointments to be made, people to call, or visits to make.

I think I am also somewhat in denial. The last several months with my mom were difficult. In many ways, she was not there even though she was still here. I had already lost so much of her that her death is still inconceivable to me. I still see her just sleeping in her bed; she’ll wake up soon.

I spoke with my husband this weekend about what's next for me, both personally and professionally. Do I still want to help caregivers? If so, do I want to keep doing that the same way? Where do I want to put my focus now? Where do I feel called to serve in my family and my community?

I am still working out all the answers to those questions, but I know one thing for sure. Writing is the way I understand myself and the world around me. So I will be doing more of that. So while my grief is not “content,” it is part of my life experience. That said, I don’t want to go from guilt to grief. Instead, I want to explore life as a woman, a former long-time caregiver, and an empty-nester. What does life look like now, and how can I hold memories of my mom while still letting her go?

These are the questions I’ll be answering for myself in my upcoming work. I hope you’ll stay along for the ride.